​If you want praise more than instruction, you may get neither. Do you know what allows you to receive the valuable gift of life's instruction? It's not intelligence nor talent, neither is it the shininess of the gift given that allows you to receive it, although that certainly helps.
Your ability to receive a harsh lesson or a graceful gift has more to do with remembering you have a choice and remembering who you are, your value and where it comes from rather than the packaging it arrives in.
 
I love praise as much as anyone, but its whipped cream on your burnt almond fudge sundae before dinner, it’s your Martinelli’s before Turkey and mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving Day.
​Okay, not the greatest analogies. I think praise is maybe a little more useful than that, but the point is, praise can’t satisfy you unless there is some real substance before it. In graduate school one of my favorite professors was a bit blunter than the others. They were all therapists, so it felt incredibly safe to make a comment or try to contribute to the discussion, but I knew with the blunt professor, if I got praise or validation from him, it meant something, I had learnt something valuable. Real instruction can come from getting things wrong or from life doing you wrong.
 
I vaguely remember my parents at different times telling me that everything is a gift - I was probably complaining about something and when I would hear that I would sneer or roll my eyes. Experience has taught me seeing everything as a gift allows or encourages personal agency, I get to choose what I receive. While I may not choose getting fired from a job, I choose what I absorb from it, what to learn and what to discard.
 
There are some people who experience the instruction of illness, some will buy more cough drops and some will learn to take care of themselves better (and buy cough drops).
Some people will experience joblessness and will absorb regret and pity; others will learn to invest in themselves with more marketable skills, among other things.
Others may experience the instruction of a failing marriage and learn how to be bitter and protect themselves - while others learn how to love better and be learn how to be loved.
You decide what you receive from that lesson, no one else does.
 
Today is a day of instruction, if you want instruction more than praise you will probably receive both.
 
Remember that being humble is knowing well who you are, your deficits and strengths. Being humble - all these things help you learn and grow from whatever the lesson/gift you are receiving.
 
Here’s an actionable step: visualize a sparkly wrapped box with a nice big bow on it. You wrapped it, but the gift inside is the instructions you are receiving from today, some might be consequences of your actions and perceptions, and some consequences are from other people’s actions.
Write down what gifts you were given and which gifts you want to absorb. It’s fine to write down what you don’t want but throw that list away, discard it, these are suggestions of low worth, bitterness and entitlement etc. They don’t belong to you, get rid of them.
Now keep the list of things you want to absorb and fully receive and synthesize them into your life. You will never be the same because of what you choose to absorb … choose wisely.
 
Today is a day of receiving instruction, if you want instruction more than praise you will probably receive both.

​When I was about 12 years old, I remember my Dad’s friend, Dr. Vic Werlhof, was visiting our house. They were discussing a sign that had the word Mediocrity in bold letters with a red circle and line through it. I remember asking what the word meant.
My main approach to life at the time was to take it easy and make it easy. I was passionate about nothing except sports maybe. When my dad explained to me that mediocrity was the pursuit of average, I felt like he had just described me. He never accused me of being mediocre. It was my conscience getting to me. I knew I would need to overcome that trend, but I didn’t know how at the time. In the years since then that battle has really shaped my life, even to this day. For years I battled the temptation to be complacent. I was always satisfied with being good enough and I hated competition. I was also blessed with some talent and insight. So I still did well, in fact I would get feedback from colleagues, teachers, professors and supervisors and clients that I was really good at what I do. I don't say this to brag, because now that I am committed to growing and doing my best, I realize how much more I can grow and need to learn in seemingly endless ways. I expect miracles to happen, 

​but I must put the time in, and for the most part I do. I feel so far from perfect that perfectionism isn't really a problem for me. But I really enjoy learning and growing.
When you really think about it, mediocrity isn’t just about being okay with whatever, it’s more about deciding not to grow. It’s a passive decision to let other people and things determine your fate, your mood, your opportunities and loves. You become a victim. Some people exchange these for a sense of security. This really happens. If you have ever taken government assistance, you know when they give you a WIC check for instance that you have to buy what they tell you. Imagine being totally comfortable with that. I don’t denigrate people who use government assistance. I just can’t relate to the person who is totally comfortable with being told what food to buy  
Here’s what I am focusing on with this blog entry, the effort to grow and expand ourselves. In my observations of people who overcome significant challenges in their life, I have noticed an effort to grow. What I mean is they read, they work on changing their habits, and in some cases actually change their habits. They follow through on commitments. They watch TV less. They look at bucket list type of things and move on them.
This is different than being impulsive. Impulsivity is reckless and leads to depression and a sense of entitlement and sometimes addiction. Some of the most financially successful people do whatever they can to minimize risk. So jumping off a cliff just to see what it’s like is not necessarily an effort to grow, nor is smoking marijuana. I know plenty of people who think they are trying things like that because they want to grow, but that’s dumb. I like to cliff dive. It’s a blast, but when I go I have made sure where I am jumping is safe. Based on thousands of role models out there, I know smoking weed would be a dumb thing for me to do. Someday maybe I’ll tell the story of when I got high from second-hand smoke of the hippie lettuce at an Oakland A’s baseball game in 1988. Now when I smell that smoke I want to punch someone in the face.
So when I observe people growing they are expanding their experience for the purpose of making themselves and others better. It really can be as simple as joining Crossfit, or finally reading that book that so many people have recommended. 

​How about this example. I love to explore and try new hiking trails or new roads to travel. But I can’t imagine coming to a fork in the road and just stopping and waiting for someone to tell me where to go even though I may be all by myself. Or think of it this way, you are at the fork in the road with a guide and they say, “Turn left, the other way is a dead end”. And you just sit there and think they’re probably right, but maybe I would like to turn right so I can learn on my own and see the dead end for myself, or maybe they heard wrong, or maybe that road is good for others, but I’m different.”
Sometimes I feel like saying, “Okay, go down that road, but you’re on your own.” Sometimes that is the frustrating thing about being a therapist. I imagine myself in a sort of guide position and the client has sought my help and asked me whether they turn right or left but they just keep driving down the road regardless of what I have suggested. Can any parents relate to what I am saying? So then what? They don’t follow our wonderful advice and they have hard experiences. The ones that grow are the ones that learn from the experience and get better. They turn toward the future and realize they can do better and make choices indicating they know they can grow. This isn’t about being perfect. Being perfect, or thinking you should have done something just right like your friend on Pinterest, is forgetting about that growing and learning part. 

My attitude has permanently changed for sure, except I still don’t like competition that much. I love life so much better with this attitude of growth. I have done things I never thought I could. I know others are better for it too. For years I thought about getting trained for hypnosis. It was suggested to me by a supervisor once. She saw potential in me and thought I could help others even more. I am so glad that I took that opportunity to get trained. I can say confidently that some people have overcome huge hurdles in their life due in part to my hypnosis training. It’s so great to have a client come back after a session and have nothing to talk about except the real change they are now experiencing.
I read recently from the book, “The Biology of Belief” by Bruce H. Lipton how when molecular cells are protecting themselves they cannot grow. Protection and playing it safe is okay for a limited time, but if you’re not growing, you are not living.
It’s time to grow! It’s fun, it’s scary sometimes, but keep going and growing. Try that new recipe! Train your dog! Work out that budget! Take that guitar class! Climb that mountain! If you don’t know where to start, learn from what others have done. No need to reinvent the wheel. No need to be impulsive. Learn from others and commit. Stop sitting at the fork in the road. Learn from others mistakes and success and move. Keep growing!
Here is one thing you can do to overcome a measure of your own mediocrity and grow.

1. Write down every should you can identify.
2. Pick one that you really want to do and is feasible.
3. Write it as a want instead of a should.
4. Make it happen.

Just in case you were still wondering about how to do this exercise – I have provided an example.

1. I should run three times a week
2. I should buy healthy snacks
3. I should go to bed earlier
4. I should go on a hike this weekend
5. I should learn a new recipe for a chicken dinner
6. I should eat more fresh broccoli
7. I should read “As a Man Thinketh”

Okay I have stopped there, I could go on, but there is no need..
The one I choose is number 7. I should read “As a Man Thinketh.” Now I write it as a want
I want to read, “As a Man Thinketh” by James Allen. Whoa, that feels different. Getting rid of the should and replacing it with want feels more motivating now I make it happen, hey the book is free online and it’s short. I can read that in an hour.Sweet! What’s next?!
See how that works? Now if you’re really inspired by this blog, go and try this on your own. Share with others this life changing experience and keep growing, it’s so fun!

Not too long ago, I was with my lovely wife and daughter at a museum. This particular museum is interactive and catered towards children. It promotes exploration, discovery and learning and is a whole lot of fun too. In the center is an area where people can sit and relax on some benches. Since the museum is catered to kids many adults gather there to . . . look at their phones. This past weekend I had just enjoyed a couple of hours with my little girl in the various play areas. She’s too small to fully enjoy all that the museum has to offer but we make due. We were about to pass through this center area and as we were approaching it I saw the adults sitting there glued to their “smart” phones. I chuckled in disgust. That’s right I was totally judging. Am I guilty of being a zombie to my phone? Less than I used to be that is for sure. Nobody would argue that staring at your phone is good parenting or good for any relationship. So why do I bring it up? It speaks to a larger issue.

http://www.stafforini.com/txt/Aron%20et%20al%20-%20The%20experimental%20generation%20of%20interpersonal%20closeness.pdfI have witnessed clients go from hitting rock bottom to being alive and thriving. Today I am focusing on the emotional connection aspect of thriving. Do you have to be married to be thriving or have constructive emotional connections? No way. Marriage is one context of emotional connection. I am talking about any situation where you interact with people, (not an electronic device). This can be at work, church, home, school . . . whatever.
I think most of us get that being connected emotionally can be a healthy thing, especially when the people you are connected with are also healthy, emotionally, in a general sense.  
Besides putting your phone down are there other ways to strengthen your emotional ties? Of course! I was perusing some research about the subject and came across something very interesting. For those of you who want to get more romantically involved use these 36 very interesting questions and then look into each other’s eyes for four minutes. If you don’t need the romance, skip the eye looking thing. Here’s the background on these questions. Arthur Aron, a Professor at Stony Brook University basically found that he could get strangers to fall in love with each other if they asked each other these questions and looked into each other’s eyes for four minutes. One couple in the study actually got married later. Seriously. Powerful right? So use these to strengthen an adult relationship and be careful if you’re not interested in romance. I’m sure you can tailor them to serve your purpose in developing deeper more meaningful relationship. Here they are:

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained anyone quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of 5 items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25. Make 3 true "we" statements each. For instance 'We are both in this room feeling ... "
26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... "
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save anyone item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

So these questions represent a “HOW” to get more connected in a simple way. Here is the WHY these sort of questions work. To honestly answer these questions we open ourselves up and thus become more vulnerable. The only way to connect with others is to open up to them. Be more vulnerable. Obviously you don’t need to be like my dear old Dad who would tell people he could use some Rolaids after they asked him how he liked his dinner. However, sharing yourself with others and taking a certain amount of risk helps others feel more comfortable with you. The problem I see people run into is that they have a past hurt and they have good reason to protect themselves from pain others might cause them because they have actually been through some painful experiences. Instead of waiting to have more confidence in others and how they might treat you, (something you have little control over) focus on building your own confidence. At some point you have to accept the possibility that you will be rejected and hurt and YOU CAN HANDLE IT! I once heard from a widow, “There are no bad experiences if you have learned from them,” always remember that. This is outrageous optimism and I love it.
There is research suggesting we need more social connections and bonding outside of even a healthy marriage and family life. If you rely too much on your spouse or family it puts too much pressure on them to satisfy your social needs. This actually is a hard one for me to accept since I would be content without friends because my wife is so awesome, but she needs a break from me and even though we adore our little ones we need a break from them, they could use a break from us. Want more evidence that social interactions are important? Another study  from people at Brigham Young University found that comparing the risk of low social support and connection to other risk factors they found that
Low social interaction compares to the following:

• Equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day
• Equivalent to being an alcoholic
• More harmful than not exercising
• Twice as harmful as obesity

​These findings fascinate me. I often suggest to people going through a significant life changing event like divorce to go ahead and take that guitar class, or cooking class they were always curious about. Start running or train for a Spartan Race with friend. Don’t keep checking to see if people are liking your latest post on Facebook. For other ideas check out this site.
Want more suggestions on how to build more meaningful connections with others? Here are four:

1. Listen more, speak less – don’t be a conversational narcissist and don’t blame that on your so-called ADHD.
2. Talk about the good in others, what you say about others says more about you.
3. Focus on similarities. You don’t have to be exactly alike, its common ground you look for.
4. Express appreciation; and not just “Thank You” If you really appreciate that your spouse works hard at home show him/her by helping maintain the order along with noticing and thanking.

Not every relationship or person you interact with needs to be a friend, but purposely showing an interest in others will result in more meaningful relationships, better health, better mental health, a better marriage (if applicable), and greater wealth, if that is really what you choose to do. I highly recommend it. A key ingredient to thriving more. So I invite you to do what you can to strengthen your connections, not all at once, but in small and focused interactions.

​Ever feel exhausted? Change your routine, change the system you are running. Over the years I have observed a common factor of people who are able to not just survive or even overcome challenges but thrive as a result of facing their challenges. One of these factors has to do with routine. A friend of mine observed that some people seem to unravel when there is a pile-up of responsibility and crisis while others seem to buckle down and organize themselves even more.
If you found yourself saying, “Well that’s just not me I like to be spontaneous, that’s the spice of life, I need variety.” Then you are much like I am. I’m not suggesting you get rid of variety, I merely suggest you stop going out of your way to be disorganized.
Many people seek counseling or therapy when they are at their wits end. Perhaps something tragic is happening or has happened. Periodically, people are proactive and come in before the chaos arrives, but most of us resist the idea of going to therapy until we are in a big mess. One of the most concrete ways to see immediate improvement is re-establish routine in your life. Sometimes establishing a solid routine can fix most of your problems. Years ago a college student came to see me for counseling. She was heartbroken over a lost love. After meeting with her for a few minutes we both decided her funk wasn’t really about he lost love, although that hurt, but it was really about her uncompleted 7 year journey in college. Here she was, intelligent, an excellent writer, ambitious when she started, and yet she dropped out of the university she went to for a few semesters and started up again in the community college but had difficulty completing a semester even with minimal credits. One of her problems, she smoked a lot of weed. She knew it was a problem and had intentions to cut back and even quit sometimes, but she was afraid to. So I sidestepped that issue. I didn’t get involved in a debate about the morality of smoking weed and the effects it had on her cognitive abilities. She actually agreed with most of what I would have said anyway. We worked on her routine. Somehow I was able to help her realize staying up late was not helpful for her attending classes in the morning. She made it a rule that during the week and Sunday nights she would go to bed by 11. A huge improvement for her. It also meant that she was going home after work instead of hanging out with her boss and co-workers to smoke. We worked out a study schedule where she stayed at school at the library to complete all of her homework and projects. We both knew she would get nothing done at her apartment since her roommate smoked a lot of weed too. Her depression started to lift, her motivation got rolling, and she saw some success and things snowballed for her in a good way. When therapy ended she was actually angry at pot. She would smell it and it would remind her of the total mediocrity she lived with for years. Routine wasn’t the only thing we addressed in therapy but it was the start and the bulk of her improvement can be credited to her efforts to establish a routine.
So why does routine help so much? Think about it this way, routine adds fuel to willpower. Think of willpower as a finite resource, like gas in your tank. If you are debating with yourself in the morning if you should get up right away and then after a 30 minutes you finally get up, then you agonize over what you are going to wear or whether you are going to exercise and then agonize about what to eat for breakfast or whether to even have breakfast, you feel tired before going to work. You get to work or get the kids up and deal with other peoples demands. Your cognitive abilities for the rigors of the day have been depleted already and now you have to make really important decisions about the project at work or disciplining a child or allocating your money in your budget. So you skip the budget and “veg” on social media for a break. Then you feel guilty because you haven’t recycled old t-shirts into a homemade rug like your friend on the east coast who makes her own butter and homeschools her kids and makes more passive income in a week than your husband does in a month. Yep, lack of routine can be that powerful. Want more proof? There is some fascinating research here http://www.psychologytoday.com/files/attachments/584/baumeisteretal1998.pdf and here http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp945883.pdf
that might explain it more convincingly than I do. I’m not getting this stuff from a self-help book. I really have observed how routine genuinely helps people and some pretty thorough researchers have observed some related findings. Namely that in certain experiments people who make decisions in one area can feel fatigue in a completely unrelated area when faced with another decision. For example if you had to make a conscious decision to not eat chocolate in the morning even though you succeeded in that moment, you will have less strength to resist later in the day, so put the chocolate away so you can’t hear it screaming at you! If you had spent a lot of energy convincing yourself to exercise early in the day you will have less energy deciding what paint to choose for your bathroom makeover. Research has also shown that when we choose something we know we already want, meaning the choice was made already, like the night before, it doesn’t deplete our resources to choose or work in the future.
Soooo if something is more of an automatic choice, something built into a routine, it doesn’t affect our problem solving skills in the future. Aha! Another study found that people who had to exert self-control in an experiment spent more time in leisure activities to “recover” than on studying for an exam. If you are really fascinated by this stuff I highly recommend this article http://www.elaborer.org/cours/A12/lectures/Baumeister2007.pdf .
Incidentally, this research also shows that successful exertion of self-control in one task over time can increase self-control over unrelated tasks – build your momentum over time by planning things, establish your system. 

​Building self-control in one area can have a positive effect in other areas but clumping too much at once can be depleting your self-control. In fact, glucose levels in the brain become lower after you make a lot of choices, so regular meals can help with self-control too. Make that part of your routine.
When I work with men who have issues with pornography, one of the more obvious triggers for accessing pornography is being alone. Further examination sometimes reveals that they were alone, and it was late at night. They haven’t eaten in a while and the low glucose level certainly doesn’t help with the self-control.
The take home message here is develop a system or routine that works well for you. I mean it really needs to work well for you. Start with the basics like bedtime and wake up time, then eat times and exercise times. Make as much of your day automatic as it can be, then you will have more mental and physical energy for the hiccups, surprises and important decisions life calls for. Once you have that down then your baseline is established and you are ready to move on to the next contributor to thriving!
So what if you are thinking, "but my life is already pretty boring. I feel like I spend all my days cleaning up after kids, doing laundry and trying to figure out what to make for dinner."
Deep down, you know how much easier it makes it when you plan ahead. The investment in time is so worth it. Plan those meals early so when 5 o’clock hits you’re not sitting there in front of the refrigerator or cupboards wondering what you will make again. As far as the mundane routine stuff that you might be doing every day or every week, establish it in your schedule, make it automatic and then you will find you have time to read that book someone gave you for Mother’s day two years ago. Or you can take yourself and your child to the museum or park, or up the canyon, instead of doing the same old thing. If you set up a solid consistent system, not only will you have more time for variety, but you will find that you have more time for the unexpected things that occur. 

Today is the day. Use that calendar on your phone and start with the most obvious things first. Do it. Invest in yourself now with 15 minutes of proactive planning. If the day doesn’t go exactly as planned that is okay. In some ways you can think of it like a game. How well you adapt to the surprises and how well you adjust the next day’s events depends on what you learned today. Make it happen for a week and see how you like it. Once things really become automatic, there is less of a need to plan.

What is your purpose? What is your reason for today and tomorrow and the next? There are people who feel a strong sense of purpose during the holidays and they celebrate with friends and family. They sing, they connect with friends and loved ones. Then it’s over. It’s a New Year and now what? We look to the future and resolve to be better. I don’t know about you, but during the last three months of the year my routine gets totally jacked up, especially in December. So when January hits I’m ready to get back to it – the routine; reading, exercising, planning… It’s go time right? There is so much to do! Where do you start? Well, it’s time to re-evaluate your purpose. For some of us, this can be a difficult undertaking. For others, we define our purpose by the roles we play, it’s our identity. For example one might think, “I’m a father, I provide security and comfort and teach. So I go to work every day even though some days I don’t want to.” For others answering this question is more challenging. Maybe you always wanted to be a “Mommy” but that is biologically impossible for you and everything else you do seems trivial in comparison to what you thought you might do.
There are many books and articles one could read to learn more about how a sense of purpose help your overall well-being. The most famous being that classic from Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning. I read that book over 20 years ago. It inspired me in many ways. Relevant to my thoughts here is the idea that no matter what you are up against, if you visualize  yourself accomplishing something greater than you can handle significant trials. For a review of some recent research about how a sense of purpose helps go here http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/05/140512124308.htm.
So developing a greater sense of purpose sounds like a good idea right, but how do you evaluate your own sense of purpose and further develop it?
Well there is scientific evidence that religion does help people have a greater sense of purpose. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9476707
I have read about various types of purpose and long-term versus short-term purpose. I suggest you get the ball rolling and shore it up. If your purpose is just getting through the day without crying in front of your kids that’s okay for now, but eventually your purpose would need to expand to something bigger.
Yes, eventually you want to develop a greater sense of purpose. A great place to start is by getting really good at defining who you are. Who are you really? Are you what you do every day or what you don’t do? Who is defining you right now? Are your parents? Your neighbors? Your culture, or other people than yourself defining who you are?
Do you realize your identity has significant influence on your sense of purpose? Right now, today is a great time to think and further develop your personal identity and ownership of yourself. Take inventory on what you are focused on. Do you worry about certain priorities like family or finances but spend an inordinate time reading social media, or gossip pages online? I really don’t understand our celebrity culture. I once got an autograph of a couple of football players when I was in boy scouts. It was cool listening to their stories of playing football. But I looked down at the signatures and thought “what do I do with this?” Nothing. Exactly.
I recall a story my dad shared with me when I was young. It’s not his story but he shared it. Many of you may have heard it before, but I thought it applies to the principle of realizing your true identity and purpose:
A young man, climbing in some rugged, high mountain peaks, came across an eagle’s nest. The nest contained several eggs. He took one and gently carried it back to his home. He then put it with several eggs an old hen was setting over. In due time all of the eggs were hatched, and there came forth the eaglet with the baby chicks. During the next several months the baby eagle grew along with the chicks. He scratched in the barnyard for his food like chickens do. Although he grew to full size, he still never flew. The young man watched the process with great interest. He wanted the eagle to fly. So one day he took the eagle up on top of his house and said, “You’re an eagle, fly.” But the eagle just flew down to the barnyard and commenced scratching like the chickens. A few days later, long before sunlight, the young lad took the eagle to a lofty crag high among the mountain peaks. Then, as the first streaks of sunlight burst over the mountain range, he said, “You’re an eagle, fly.” The eagle began to stretch its wings; its eye caught a shaft of sunlight; a sensation swept through it from wing tip to wing tip. The fresh, cool air, the smell of pine trees, and an exhilaration it had never known coursed through the great bird. Its wings spread wider; power swept through its entire frame. It began to lift off the arm of the young man. Soon it was lifting and soaring hundreds of feet above the high peaks. It lifted higher and higher and soared farther and farther into the endless sky. It saw more in an instant than its earthbound chicken companions saw in a lifetime. From that time forth the eagle was never more content to be a chicken.
Right now think, are you going to cluck around like a chicken or soar and see new things like the eagle you know deep down you really are? Where are your steps taking you now? Decide. Look up the Latin origin for decide it translates from off –cut so when we decide we cut off other possibilities. This implies a certain amount of focus doesn’t it? I can’t be everything or all things, but I will be . . . . what? You are free, like the eagle, don’t limit yourself to the chicken coup.
Talk to someone you trust about what your purpose is. Write your thoughts somewhere. Decide.

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Click here to editIt’s simple really. Quite simple in fact. When we come across a list, our brain has to do less work. Have you ever made a grocery list in paragraph form? My beautiful wife loves to read and make lists. She actually never gives me a “to do” list. We don’t work that way. She loves to be check off things on her list. There is real satisfaction from crossing off the “pay bills” or “clean room” or “wrap presents” off the list right? The reason lists seem to work for people fascinate me. You can do a search on this subject and I’m sure you can find a number of articles and blog posts on why list articles work for people. So I guess I add to this list. My take on why we like lists has to do with what I have seen helpful with people suffering from depression and/or anxiety.

I know some very smart people look down on making list articles. I see their point, it’s “dumbing down” the content. It cheapens the intellectual exercise of organizing information. It’s a good point. Imagine if a book was made up of nothing but lists on each page. That might be a little overboard; a little too simplified. However, I see lists as a helpful tool for people to organize their lives. It’s a helpful skill to develop really.
What I’m talking about is the ability to compartmentalize in certain situations. Some of you who are reading this have some genuine stress and feel overwhelmed by circumstances in your life. When I listen to people in my office talk about the challenges they face, they really have a litany of problems piling up, whether from choices they have made or because they are feeling negative effects from what others have down around them or to them. Even though I am a trained therapist, I still can feel how overwhelmed and hopeless life can be. I have been there and sometimes get caught up in those feelings too. Where do you start when you have spouse with cancer, a child with a continuing drug problem, you are behind in mortgage payments and you can’t sleep at night? Pretty overwhelming right? What about the person whose spouse left them after 10 years of marriage with three children and empty promises about responsibly helping raise and provide for the children; “Oh and I can’t sleep well either.” Many of you run from one fire to another and when someone suggests we should find a better balance it feels pretty insulting. Where do you start? And how do you decide where to start other than what is right in your face? I see how making a list might be a good start. So we like lists to begin making order out of chaos.
In a previous post I shared the Covey matrix for prioritizing. I love it and encourage others to use it frequently. It really helps you identify and focus on what is most important. But first, make your list of things you want to accomplish and break it down into what needs to happen from month to week to day. You may have a house project you want to finish by the end of January and that is a high priority. Okay, you also still need to get ready for a family party this weekend so that might be more urgent. That needs to be more of a focus today that the house project even though that might be more exciting than baking those rolls or whatever. Your focus lands on the more urgent task and that is where your energy is going to go. That was an example, now after making your own list and pick the three things most urgent today or tomorrow. Think of them this way, if you got only three things done tomorrow what would be the most important off your list? 99% of the time you will get more done off of your list than those three, but you will feel better about your unfinished stuff because you got the most important things done first.
Try it  it takes some
practice and a little flexibility but it works and you are getting better at compartmentalizing when it’s appropriate.

Five Ways to Make Your Marriage Your First Priority.
So I think some suggestions are in order. I have talked in the past about making your marriage your first priority. That makes sense to most people. I understand a blended family situation can feel more complicated and in some cases is more delicate than a traditional nuclear family. That being said, I thought I’d provide some suggestions to making your marriage your first priority.

1. Slow down. At least sometime during the day slow down. It’s even better to do it with the TV off and with your phone not in your face. Picture this: a good bye peck that takes two seconds versus a goodbye kiss where you feel the texture of each other’s lips – that takes five seconds. Are you really in that big of a hurry? If the kiss feels like an obligation try again, this time slower. Then make eye contact on your way out the door. This really could be the last time you see your spouse alive – make it count. This will allow you to give your spouse your undivided attention. 
My high school buddy and renowned business coach Dave Crenshaw is constantly reminding people that to be more efficient, you should focus on one thing at a time. 

2. Be aware of the contagious effect your emotions have on others. There is some research that suggests our moods can be contagious. You don’t say. Well I think anecdotally, many of us have observed this. We all know someone that enters a room and they just seem to light it up or suck the life out of the room. Well, think about the impact you have on your spouse. I don’t suggest you pretend to be happy all of the time, but when you feel you can help the culture in the room, do it in a positive way.Would you like more ideas on how to make your marriage your first priority? Let me review the Covey matrix. If you are not familiar with the matrix, it looks like this:

Sometimes when people fall in love, they project an ideal image and/or persona onto that person. After we marry and the honeymoon is over, the real person comes through. We must choose compassion as the passion becomes less influential. 
With passion you want to possess. We say “I want him!” or “I want her!” “Must … have…” Compassion is to share and sacrifice. And if we are really mature we understand the sacrifice isn’t necessarily for the spouse directly, we realize that the sacrifice is for the relationship. Mormons who are married in a LDS Temple are actually “sealed” together.

 If they pay attention, they know they are sealed not just to each other, but when they promise to receive each other they are also including God in that marriage. God is part of the marriage, not just part of the marriage ceremony. I believe most Christian and Jewish ceremonies have a similar concept.
I have felt the need to comment a little about marriage. After all, I am a Marriage and Family Therapist. This will definitely not be the last time I comment about marriage. I actually like to read some blogs out there and I was taken back at how often people regurgitate research about marriage even though they themselves might be considered experts in other areas. This is fine, I have no problem with people commenting about whatever. It just made me think about how important marriage and relationships are to people since all walks of life are writing about it.
Most of the time, people will cite John Gottman, and they should. He really has done more helpful research than any other expert in the field. He also has written some helpful parenting ideas that often get missed because of his prolific research on marriages. He and other experts recognize a number of things that help marriages and relationships grow.

For now, I really want to emphasize the quote from Joseph Campbell about marriage as a priority and passion and sacrifice. One thing that I strongly believe, and find super helpful to remember is that Love Is a Choice! With a caveat recognizing that some people are easier to love than others. I find that when couples meet with me they want more qualification before they accept that principle. Some ask, “Don’t you think we sometimes grow out of love?” Absolutely! Choices have been made to grow that way and that means you can grow to love each other more deeply. Divorce can be so devastating emotionally because the message is being sent, “Now that I really know you well, I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

Otherwise, you are leaving love to chance or in reality you are justifying your lack of commitment to external forces. 

I recently read about people who were asked how they fight negative thoughts from a book by Dr. Michael D. Yapko about treating people with depression using hypnosis. Would you like to know what some of them said?
“I think of a volume knob and picture myself tuning it out.”
“When I have negative thoughts, I think of a dog that is tied to a tree and is barking incessantly, but I just picture myself walking further away until I don’t hear it anymore.” 
Those are pretty good real life working interventions.
Understand, I am not suggesting people choose to be depressed. Clients I work with have never asked that I help them be more depressed. The ability and skills to switch your focus from the negativity in your mind to something more healthy and opportunistic is what you want to aim for. I am suggesting that we all have the ability and actually use self-hypnosis already, so why not use it to our advantage. Elite athletes use it, why not be your elite self? How do elite athletes utilize self-hypnosis?
Michael Jordan used hypnosis to improve stamina
Sports Hypnosis is often seen as a way to prep an athlete before the game.   Concentration and focus become easy when one enters the right mental state. A hypnotherapist will work with an athlete to calm their mind and rid it of distractions that can get in the way of game-play. One of the biggest names to use sport hypnotherapy is Michael Jordan. This basketball star used hypnotherapy before every game to improve his mental stamina. The whole Chicago Bulls team incorporated hypnotherapy into their pregame sessions to center themselves and gain an edge over their opponents.
So why not use this tool for yourself? If you have a certain way of thinking that leads to dead ends and more negative thoughts and feelings you really are absorbing set patterns. In hypnosis whether it’s self-actuated or from a qualified professional you can learn to absorb different messages. You really can! Hypnosis in therapy is just another way to help you fine tune your focus.
Here are a few steps to self-guided imagery or hypnosis
1.      Get in a relaxed state without distractions, this is typically done with deep breathing.
2.      Imagine being some place relaxing, anywhere in the world, it’s up to you. Make it as vivid as possible for yourself, use all five senses if you can to absorb the experience.
3.      Identify what you want to focus on. If it’s the ability to question negative thoughts go ahead and remind yourself that you have been able to do that in some cases in the past and that you can do it in the future.
4.      Picture yourself being successful with that skill.
Not very mysterious right? It’s even easier to do this with the help of a professional. You can record a hypnosis session and listen to it multiple times if needed. It is really helpful to identify the specific skills needed to overcome whatever challenge you face whether it’s depression, anxiety caused by perfectionism or something else. Remember, what you focus on, is what you intensify.

I recently had a correspondence with a friend of mine. He’s a therapist in San Diego and after sharing a study with him about how powerful implicit messages are he wrote the following:
“…my larger concern about the implicit and explicit messages [is] in popular culture these days.  I have often been concerned on the effects on children (and adults) as they are in a trance watching or acting out violence or anti social behavior in video games and popular media.  It seems there are pretty strong implicit and explicit suggestions being offered by story lines where the hero is antisocial in some way.  Grand Theft Auto, Breaking Bad, Dexter, and so many others.   They are so well produced and engaging and at times I worry about how that effects the brain and our perceptions of the world.   
Then of course we have politicians and advertising that have clearly figured out the power of the implicit message to encourage people to act against their own best interest.  I am wondering if the new coping skill in our society is the ability to protect against implicit messages that do not align with our personal values.  Not an easy task for a young person who is still forming their values.”
I share his concern and wonder how to utilize implicit messages in a positive way. There are millions of negative messages out there that are so subtle and quite powerful. I encourage awareness of the implicit messages that are out there, but they cannot be our primary focus. It’s very depressing to focus on them and ultimately not very helpful. So to offer a little more awareness and hope I wanted to share some metaphors that might be useful.
There's a great metaphor I have recently discovered the past couple of weeks that might help. It has to do with ocean currents and riptides. We all know what a riptide or rip current is. It can be a dangerous thing and causes many people to lose their lives every year. There are currents in life that cause many people to lose their way so much that it might lead them to severe depression, addiction etc.
There are other currents we can look at in a positive way. The Gulf Stream is an interesting case. Apparently Ponce de Leon observed it's affects when the wind was blowing one way but the ship was being pulled by a stronger current than the wind. Ben Franklin actually chartered it/mapped it out so American ships could utilize the current to get to Europe much quicker. He shared his information with the British but they chose to ignore it. It generally took them two weeks longer than the American ships in either direction if I'm not mistaken. 
Here's another part of the metaphor. Icebergs are carried by currents. We sometimes use icebergs to demonstrate how emotions are hidden under the surface. In this case we can further see how underlying currents are more powerful than the surface winds. Surface winds may be outside influences that we are aware of and the underlying currents can be the ones we are less aware of. To me it's helpful to remember that our influence on our families can be stronger than surface winds. By focusing on influence, parents are more empowered to help their children as they get older and assert their agency, Parents can remember that the values they taught their kids when they were younger may stay with them as we move from control to influence. It takes the pressure off with a mindset change. Many adolescents who "stray" sometimes will grow up and begin listening to the more healthy influences in their lives. 
It's a bit tricky and scary. I think the point is that it's helpful to use these metaphors to open people's eyes to the different currents or influences in their lives. Then they have more personal agency to choose what they really want. The question again is how do we use implicit messages or underlying currents to influence others in a positive way? Here are three suggestions.

1.  Develop a long-term mindset. If your children are young and you have more control over certain actions and decisions remember you are also setting yourself up for long-term influence. This might affect the way you discipline and teach your children. You may even begin to focus on influence earlier than you thought..

2.  Take opportunities today to demonstrate love, support and appreciation. Whether the appreciation is directed to or around your children, they will pick-up on that. If you take an extra effort to demonstrate love and support in different ways they at least have opportunity to absorb that influence.

3. Filter out criticism, as much as you can, even if you think it might be “constructive.” This takes practice and real creativity sometimes. I’m reminded of this especially in work settings and any kind of coaching. 

Let me juxtapose two supervisors I had before I was licensed as a therapist to demonstrate how influence is asserted effectively. The first one I will mention, I worked for in North Hollywood at a clinic. I don’t remember her name, but maybe my great friend Rocky Lewis would. She had this neurotic habit of reviewing our therapy notes and suggested we rewrite them. Sometimes three or four times before they were approved. My frustration went so far that I took one of her own therapy notes to pattern mine and she still criticized them for rewrite. She was dumbfounded and had no response when I told her what I had done. I eventually left that job, in part because of her. Her only influence was due to the fact she had formal authority over me. I only remember her neurotic ramblings, confused look on her face and awkward presence with her employees and clients. In contrast I also had a supervisor, by the name of Larry Lewis, at a clinic, who had hired me before I was licensed in Utah. I was new to him but he had already expressed confidence in me. I met with him for supervision once a month. During my second month, a complaint was made against me from a new client. I had met with this client once. The presenting issue was pornography compulsion. I had outlined my plan for this client in the first session and expressed confidence I could help. For whatever reason this client felt I was arrogant and called my supervisor to complain about me and refused to reschedule with any other therapist in the clinic. When I met with my supervisor at the typical time. He mentioned the complaint and instead of asking how things could have been handled better, he focused entirely on his confidence in me and reassured me that he was not in the least concerned about how I acted. What a wonderful response! If I had done something wrong I would have corrected it on my own anyway. For that confidence I will always be loyal to and love that supervisor, Larry Lewis, who is retired now. My hope is that I can influence my own daughter through this kind of leadership no matter what other currents she no doubt will inevitably encounter as she grows older. I suggest that we each think of ways to develop strong influential currents in the lives of those we care for that will extend our reach beyond geographic proximity.

Chocolate chip cookies are tasty but they don’t give me what I need. My lovely and talented wife makes some delicious cookies and I sometimes feel like I could live off of them, but I can’t. As I have grown a bit older I notice now when I eat a cookie or some other dessert, my energy gets zapped. It certainly doesn’t help that I am hypoglycemic. It really isn't satisfying when I eat something sweet like cookies on an empty stomach. It does help if I eat some healthy nutrient rich food first, it helps a lot. In fact, many times if I eat well and healthy it becomes easier to pass on dessert because I feel satiated. Of course, there are times when I eat the dessert even though I feel full. I’m not sure if you can relate. I know I’m not alone here. There may be a lesson here about self-control but what I’d really like to highlight from this metaphor is the principle about focusing on what we really need.
I often work with people who have an impulse control problem. This includes pornography issues, drug addictions, internet preoccupation, and eating/weight issues. Let me demonstrate something here about underlying needs.
I have observed over the years while helping people with pornography problems that it is helpful to set up more barriers to its consumption like internet blocking and extra passwords. Most of the clients I work with are married men. The rest are single men or young men, or adolescent boys. When I counsel with these individuals we review the common safeguards that are helpful when using the internet. We review triggers and high risk situations, we even review their sexual development to a certain extent.

The real task then is to figure out what nourishment you really need. Instead of needing a chocolate chip cookie, a more helpful focus on a meaningful emotional connection with your spouse or other loved ones would be more beneficial. The most successful clients I have worked with figure this out and the temptation to look at porn dissipates. The compulsion to consume junk wanes. Drugs and alcohol are seen for what they really are. The internet becomes a useful tool again. I recently heard someone surmise that the more “connected” we become through the internet the more distant our emotional lives become. Something to think about. Let your mind rest on this question: How will you engage in your current human relationships in a more meaningful way?

I need to qualify this post with a warning. My suggestions on how to deal with depression are not meant to replace therapy. Depression typically is a complex issue and I do not want to imply that managing it is a simple process. I could write a number of blog entries and just scratch the surface on dealing with depression. This entry is meant to be a start and a reflection of my approach to handling depression. I hope you find it helpful.
Depression is emotionally isolating and can be physically isolating. It makes us apathetic and we isolate ourselves in some form, we feel lonelier and more apathetic, our motivation for just about everything decreases, our appetite is weird. We get unimaginative with the food we eat, when eat and how eat. Maybe the TV is on more, we are spending more time on our smartphone or computer but we have little to show for our time spent interacting with these things. Shortcuts become the norm with meals, tasks at home and at work are shortchanged. Some even feel like it would be better to no longer be alive. “What’s the point?” we may even ask ourselves.

 In my last post, I talked about what causes depression and two very important types of questions, “Why” and “How” questions. While there are varying opinions on how to manage and treat depression, effective interventions tend to be multifaceted. There is a quote worth revisiting here, it goes something like this: “Survey Large Fields, Cultivate Small Ones.”

Huh? You may be asking. The principle here is that it is helpful to be aware of or imagine a big picture and then start working on smaller aspects of it. Even when people are not depressed and are highly motivated a big picture can feel overwhelming. Ever felt the need to clean the garage or the house or even your car and feel overwhelmed? That doesn't mean you are depressed if you get overwhelmed by these sort of tasks, but ask yourself how you were able to follow through with the task. There is no one way to overcome this overwhelming feeling. (The worst thing to do is procrastinate or avoid it right? That is the wrong way.) It is likely you were able to follow through in the past by starting something.

It reminds me of when I recently renovated my house. After painting the walls and ceiling and putting new floors in the upstairs it was time to move in. The downstairs had been the warehouse and was a complete mess. Just going downstairs felt overwhelming. I remember being down there with my wife and she asked where we should start. My response was, “Just start moving stuff around, let’s go with the easy stuff first.” At first it just felt like we shuffling things around with no progress being made. Perhaps that was the case, but momentum was made. 

We were like two little ants moving piece by piece. This is how puzzles are put together, challenges are overcome, step by step. Feelings matter, in this case our spirits lifted first by moving. We knew the big picture to certain degree, a more organized house, but we started small. To be truthful, that process started last spring and we still are not completely finished. The garage and our office need significant work. The metaphor or analogy here really works. When dealing with depression or most challenges,the first step can take the most energy but the idea is to build momentum.

As I mentioned earlier, I help others manage or overcome depression with a number of different approaches. This inevitably includes a physical approach. Evaluate your routine. Return to the basic routine that has been helpful for you in the past or others who have been successful. Get up early, go to bed early. If a client of mine has insomnia, there are a number of ways to help this. We examine what is called “sleep hygiene.” No electronics as you are lying in bed, if you have a TV in the room turn it off and I suggest getting it out of your bedroom. Your body can tell your mind it’s time to relax when you have a clean bed time routine that allows your body and mind to unwind. (If you are married it’s better when you do this together if at all possible.) Get good at that as much as possible. Some flexibility may be necessary but this is an area where you really can be more consistent to promote greater rest. If you happen to struggle getting to sleep after taking care of your sleep hygiene then it may be time to practice some breathing exercises. I will often record a hypnosis session for clients to help them relax and get to sleep easier. Some people can fall asleep but will wake prematurely and can’t get back to sleep. The mind is on and the broken record starts, you run through your lists and scripts in your mind and before you know it, it’s been another hour of being awake, this leads to more frustration and even anger. Disrupting this cycle is key. I knew a 15 year old young man who had this very problem and I was able to teach him breathing and imagery exercises where he really no longer had the problem. He got so good at falling back asleep on his own it was no longer a problem and his day was better for it. 
Some nights will be better than others. Follow through on what you will help in the long run. Routine is applied throughout the day not just with sleep. Block out time for a walk, get some fresh air if there is any, some exercise will help. Make it a priority and schedule it, then follow through. One of the more exciting things you can do as part of managing depression is being able to follow through with your own ideas and solutions. Imagine setting up a schedule and at the end of the day you look back and see how close you came to following it. It feels great to follow through on things doesn't it? Chances are you have already been thinking of something to start with. Resolve to start and share your ideas with someone. 

THE POINT IS TO BUILD MOMENTUM. Gain a victory, cultivate a small field and then another. What you focus on, is what you get.

Depression is lame. Have you experienced depression? It can affect everything, even the taste of food. The imagination goes grey with apathy or red with anger, or both. It really feels like you are living in a cloud sometimes, right? Ugh. When working with clients, I often get asked “Why?” "Why do I feel this way?" Most people will answer that question to some extent, but there is this unsatisfied lingering feeling, like they don’t have all the answers still. I typically like to discuss with clients what causes clinical depression to get their perspective. 

What do you think? What causes depression? Is it helpful to even ask this question? Does it even matter?

I think it can be helpful to understand what we know about depression because our explanation or ideas about what causes depression can push us toward attempted solutions, or in some cases a dead end. If you think the answer to what causes depression is 100% spiritual then you may try a spiritual solution. And if that doesn’t work, are you depressed because you are a bad person and are not trying hard enough? If you think depression is caused primarily due to an environmental factor like your marriage, what do you do if your spouse is complacent and refuses to work on the relationship? Are you doomed to suffer from depression until the marriage ends? Is it merely a chemical imbalance that just requires a pill or combination of medications to get things back in balance in the brain? What happens if you can’t find the right pill or the side effects cause you to gain weight or destroys your libido?

Chances are the cause of our depression is more complex than most of us realize. A solution therefore needs to be sophisticated for it to work and requires more than remembering to take the anti-depressant on time. I want to refer to the Harvard health website. If you search online the question: “What causes depression?” The first legitimate site you can turn to is found here. As they explain, depression is typically caused by a number of factors. The short answer I hear a lot from some professionals is that it is a chemical imbalance that causes depression. The implication sometimes is that taking the right medication will solve your depression. In some cases that might be the case. However, one thing to remember is that a chemical imbalance can be caused by behavioral factors. For instance, if you are generally happy but for whatever reason get in the habit of watching TV every night for a couple of hours, staying up late, eating unhealthy foods, checking your Facebook feed frequently, and not getting any kind of exercise or other fulfilling stimulation, eventually you will feel lethargic, unfulfilled and eventually genuinely depressed. Now you have a chemical imbalance. Is it possible to correct a chemical imbalance by taking medications? 

Clearly it is possible and warranted in some cases. I am glad for people where all they need is medication and the side effects are minimal. Let me be clear, I do not tell people to not use medications. (Especially if the depression is part of a bipolar cycle. Bipolar depression is a different animal altogether than Depression. I encourage clients who are diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder to take what their psychiatrist prescribes.)

My aim is to help empower people. One major problem with depression is that we feel powerless and weak. I fear we reinforce the passivity of depressive thinking when we send the message, just take a pill and let it do the work, for more on this viewpoint go here. And no effort is made to develop new ways of thinking or developing a more empowering perspective. An opportunity can be lost to develop new skills.

I focus on the “how” side of things. Earlier I mentioned that many people ask why they are experiencing depression. “Why” questions are helpful understanding context but they rarely lead to solutions that are helpful. They lead to blame or understanding, but introspective understanding can fall short in changing depression. For instance, if a client gains an understanding that they experience depression because a parent was distant or harsh, then what do you do with that? You can’t change the past. As a therapist I look for ways to make changes, so I can’t change who your family members are or what they have done in the past or even what they do now. I can help you change how you respond to life events, to your environment or even how you make sense of your past. This includes addressing thinking patterns, changing what you anticipate or expect to happen. I can even help you develop new skills that empower you to change your “chemical imbalance.”

I don’t ignore the why questions, they aren't filthy, I just don’t focus on them when I am in a problem solving phase. I also understand that sometimes people need to ask “Why” questions before they get to the “How.” I respect that and utilize this need when it’s indicated. I also recognize that why questions can identify reasons for motivation, negative or positive. The focus needs to shift at some point to how to make changes. Someone can have all the motivation in the world to change their mood from feeling depressed to feeling happy, but if they don’t know how, frustration and helplessness can overwhelm the high motivation and destroy it. If you are not careful, dwelling on the why something is happening can reinforce the depression.

So I do focus on "How" questions. If you happen to consult with me, don’t be surprised when I ask “How” questions. So, here’s a question, How do “how” questions lead to solutions? Let me demonstrate something.

Why did you find out about that new recipe; why did you make such delicious rolls? Why did you pay off your mortgage in 15 years? Why did you lose 10 pounds in a month? Why did you finish that puzzle so quickly? Just for a quick little exercise, read those questions replacing “Why” with “How.” 


Much more helpful right? Let me invite you to move past the question of “What causes depression?” and begin moving forward with asking how we can manage depression better or even overcome it. Let your brain work on that puzzle until my next post where I explain more specific ways to battle and manage depression.

I generally consider myself to be an optimist. I have my not so optimistic moments. And I try to keep my "moment" just a moment. I prefer being optimistic because its funner. Recently I have noticed a counterfeit to optimism, I call it Passive Optimism which is just a fancy way to avoid facing a challenge. Also, the avoidance can blind us to opportunities that might be right in our face. There is a story shared by Alcoholics Anonymous about a man who was what may be termed as a passive optimist. It goes something like this:
A terrible storm came into a town and local officials sent out an emergency warning that the riverbanks would soon overflow and flood the nearby homes. They ordered everyone in the town to evacuate immediately.
A faithful Christian man heard the warning and decided to stay, saying to himself, “I will trust God and if I am in danger, then God will send a divine miracle to save me.”
The neighbors came by his house and said to him, “We’re leaving and there is room for you in our car, please come with us!” But the man declined. “I have faith that God will save me.”
As the man stood on his porch watching the water rise up the steps, a man in a canoe paddled by and called to him, “Hurry and come into my canoe, the waters are rising quickly!” But the man again said, “No thanks, God will save me.”
The flood waters rose higher pouring water into his living room and the man had to retreat to the second floor. A police motorboat came by and saw him at the window. “We will come up and rescue you!” they shouted. But the man refused, waving them off saying, “Use your time to save someone else! I have faith that God will save me!”
The flood waters rose higher and higher and the man had to climb up to his rooftop.
A helicopter spotted him and dropped a rope ladder. A rescue officer came down the ladder and pleaded with the man, "Grab my hand and I will pull you up!" But the man STILL refused, folding his arms tightly to his body. “No thank you! God will save me!”
Shortly after, the house broke up and the floodwaters swept the man away and he drowned.
When in Heaven, the man stood before God and asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”
And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

This is one dynamic or version of optimism that can be a trap at times. That is Passive Optimism. What is Passive Optimism you ask? Ask yourself if you have said something like this to yourself: “It will all work out in the end.” Pretty harmless depending on the context right? Yes, depending on the context. However, in the context of trying to balance a budget it can lead to disaster. As I mentioned earlier, in certain contexts, Passive Optimism is actually avoidance in disguise. Avoiding responsibility because you are “optimistic” and blindly thinking everything will work out can lead to hurt and frustration and regret later on - like the story illustrates. Some of us, myself included, unwittingly practice procrastination disguised as optimism. A truly optimistic person does what they can to make things happen. It's not just attitude, it's also what the person is doing, meaning the action they take to increase the probability their desired outcome will happen. Successful optimistic people are quite practical. If they just lost their job they don’t just think things will work out, they update their resume, tell friends and acquaintances they are looking for a job or network in other ways. They don’t wait for someone to come to their house and offer them a job, they put themselves in the way at the least, so others know they are available and are aware of what they have to offer.
You may be thinking  something like: How do I become more optimistic more effectively? Funny you should ask, because I have a number of suggestions that will help you develop more outstanding optimism.
1  Clean. Clean yourself, make your bed, fold laundry; get your hair done.No need to do everything, just get started and work on a little bit at a time. Making order out of chaos is very therapeutic.
2  Go for a walk or run. The subtle yet powerful benefits are hard to ignore. If you are worried about weather conditions go to the mall. Dozens of people actually do this before the stores open in the morning. It makes for a nice climate controlled track minus the hustle and bustle. 
3 Remember to tell yourself the next time you are frustrated, “Ahhh" like you just stepped in a perfectly heated relaxing hot tub. Back in the day, to be funny, a friend of mine and I would say or do the opposite of what people expected us. For instance, have you ever been walking around barefoot and stubbed your naked toe on the corner of your bed or some furniture or a sharpened ax? When that would happen, just for effect, after saying "Oww! I mean, ahhh!” Guess what, that actually worked. It made others laugh and the pain was not nearly as bad. Try it next time you stub your naked toe.
4  Find a deal at the thrift store. Then when you are wearing those sweet gently used Volcom pants and someone gives you a compliment, proudly declare where you got them for $10. So Savvy!
5  Take action on a goal you have neglected, like repairing that curtain rod that is falling off the wall.
6  Write a real letter to someone. Express appreciation to them or ask them how they are for real; as cool as it is to get a text, a letter in the mail is even cooler.
7 Try a new recipe. Nothing says optimistic like learning to make homemade donuts, mmm.
8  Share this list with someone you know and discuss it on your walk with them, and you each can share with each other what action you will take. “I’m going to do #4 on Saturday, wanna come with me and go to a movie afterward?” 

So there they are. I'm totally incomplete list for increasing real optimism. It's never too late, and hey if you have more suggestions there is definitely room for more. I'd love to hear about them!

This week my wife and I had the good fortune of watching my brother’s three kids for a couple of days. We actually stayed at their house to do this since the two older kids are in school. This isn’t the first time I have done this for family, but it is the first time I have done this for my brother.

Yesterday afternoon I had a learning experience that taught me a few things. First, I appreciated how my wife was assertive enough to ask directly for my help. There was no statements like, “I wish you could come help me,” or “A little help! …” or “get off your butt…” I was actually in the middle of writing when I heard my wife say “I need your help.” 

Direct and concise. I love it. If you know my wife, then you know she is very responsible and capable, so when she makes a request like this it means something. So what did she need help with? The youngest son of my brother had walked out the front door with our dog, Ginger and they were nowhere to be found. Calls for his name and Ginger returned no response. We were a little worried but after a few minutes I found Ginger and my nephew walking beside a busier road. As we walked back to the house I explained to my nephew the effect he had on me and my wife since we didn’t know where he and Ginger were. No yelling occurred. During this time I was thinking about how I should handle this situation further.

Now to put this into context, I need to share that in the morning I made a comment about a Facebook post for a new book, No Drama Discipline by Dan Siegel M.D. I have not read the book, but I am familiar with other writings from Dan Siegel and have been impressed with his insight from the brain research that is out there. The Facebook post was from a Time post reviewing his book. The hook is that “time-out” techniques aren’t helpful and can cause problems for families and children. I actually have used timeouts with some degree of effectiveness and I have coached parents to use it on occasion. I generally agree however, that isolating a child can be risky for his or her own emotional well-being. The point behind timeouts was that they are supposed to be brief and interrupt a behavior pattern, but they sometimes become part of a pattern and thus become part of the problem. 

So there I was walking my nephew back to the house thinking how I would “discipline” him after taking off without telling us where he was going or asking to go somewhere. Lecturing isn’t the best alternative to spanking or timeouts either. So I focused on what I wanted him to learn. I did this by acknowledging what he was trying to do.  (He wanted to go to the park.) Then I explained calmly the effect he had on me and my wife when we didn’t know where he went. He was mostly unresponsive to this and was notably uncomfortable. I was looking for an acknowledgement and commitment from him that he would let us know where he was going or ask if he can go somewhere. He wouldn’t speak, only whine a little and tried to get off my lap on the couch. It was a stalemate while my wife waited with Ginger and my daughter. I suggested to them that they go ahead to the park and when my nephew would let me know he was willing to let us know where is at so we can feel better about him being at the park then I would bring him. As they started to walk away he became a bit more troubled so I asked him again, in simple terms if he would just ask or let us know where he was going so his aunt feels like she can take him to the park. With this he committed to communicate with us. I praised him and expressed confidence in his ability to follow through.

My intent with sharing this story was to point out five principles of communication:
1. Clear, concise, direct communication (from my wife to me and from me to my nephew) is super helpful.
2. Acknowledging (emotion, intent) to sidestep defensiveness and entrenchment and build understanding.
3. Ask for a commitment or action.
4. Follow-through and be willing to deal with natural consequences. I was willing to sit with my nephew instead of write this blog until my wife returned from the park.
5. Reassure and repair the relationship.

Now my invitation to you is to focus on at least one of these principles (relevant to you) and practice it. If you don’t have a child at home or at all, pick a principle and apply it in a way that works for you. Practice…

The other day I went for a run. I don’t run very much, but when I do, I run slowly. And not very far, but it  feels great. On this particular occasion last week, I took my daughter in a stroller and my dog, Ginger, a Golden Retriever/Lab mix. She gets so excited when I ask, “you wanna go on a walk?” or if she catches me putting my running shoes on she gets so excited. It’s a delight to take her because she is so excited. That particular evening I decided to run along the river in the canyon by my home. It was beautiful and the temperature was perfect for us. After about a mile I was feeling good because most of my run had been downhill, that was changing and I noticed Ginger was starting to lag behind. It was actually a busy night on the trail. There were many people on bikes. Ginger was slowing down, mostly because she was anxious. She kept looking behind us and looking at other people. Sometimes they would pass us. If I was able to get her attention, Ginger would look at me, appear relieved and catch up with us without a problem. If Ginger would stay focused on me and look forward she could easily keep up.

great accomplishment, Ginger is fast, really fast, but she can be really anxious, and her anxiety really slowed her down, in fact, if I don’t have her on a leash she sometimes will walk right into the path of a bicyclist because she is so focused on them. 

That night it occurred to me how we are sometimes like my dog Ginger, our intentions start off in the right direction but we can get distracted by our fears and anxieties. Do you ever catch yourself obsessed with what might go wrong? It’s practical to anticipate roadblocks or speed bumps that lay in our future, but to be consumed by “What could go wrong” will paralyze you or at least keep you from washing your car . . . I once heard my brother in-law explain why he never washes his car, because he doesn’t like the rain or snow. He has noticed that anytime he washes his car, there seems to be a storm the next day. In his case the “inevitable” fact that it will rain or snow after he washes the car stops him. Are you aware of how fears or anxieties paralyze you? Someone once told me going to a motivational speaker was a waste because the positive effect wears off eventually. Really?! The breakfast you ate this morning won’t last all month, it won’t provide you with the energy you need for the rest of the day for most people. So go ahead and eat again. I don’t stop eating out of frustration with the fact that I will just get hungry again. That’s why it’s good to recharge yourself in different ways, and not just with food. So wash your car knowing that eventually it’s going to get dirty again (hopefully it lasts a few days). Read that book you bought to help improve yourself, and remember that it won’t be the last thing you use in this way. My last blog post was about utilizing regret, I don’t recommend focusing on regret, use it just enough to help you keep moving forward. It’s perfectly helpful to be aware of traps and obstacles, just don’t make them your focus.

So what are some ways to manage anxiety to focus on where you are running?
Let me suggest a few things.                                                                     
1. Practice one of the oldest skills in the book, re-frame your language. Remind yourself to do something, instead of “I hope I don’t forget . . .” Really good teachers use this. For example I observed a savvy teacher purposely master using positive language to guide her students. “Remember to take your assignments home and bring them back on Monday.” Instead of “Don’t forget your homework!” The better you get at this one, the better you become.
2. Master the “Yet” perspective. Frame failures as temporary. “I can’t pay off my debts, yet.” Let that word help you move forward.
3. Paint a small picture in your mind. If you need to clean the entire house but feel overwhelmed, picture yourself dusting the bookcase, not the whole house, yet.
4. Play music, if you need motivation and more energy, play something faster and a bit louder than normal. Need to calm down? Play something peaceful in the background.
5. Chew gum. Seriously,you know it helps. For scientific evidence go here or here.

So how can you utilize your own regret?

1. Believe it is possible that you can take corrective action. Almost anything is possible, Baby Boomers on average held 11 jobs from the ages of 18 to 46. That was back when careers were more stable. Utilizing regret to make a new career choice is more common than you might think.
2.  Utilize the regret to help fuel motivation, use it like the tool it really is.
3.  Learn how to take an effective course correction. Focus! Move from global to specific. From big picture to focusing in on what you can do today. If you have regrets in romance, think of how you can make your marriage or relationship a little better today, not ten times better, just a little better. Accept a compliment, expressi appreciation for the expected or mundane, “thanks for paying the power bill.” Just try it. Focus on one thing at a time. Focusing requires compartmentalization. Stop trying to multitask your most important relationship.
If you regret that you are not more social, ask yourself where it might be easiest for yourself to make some progress. Saying “Hello!” to coworkers and asking them about their weekend might be a good start to gain momentum. 
If you want to overcome your regret of being disorganized, then declutter your office at home; put some music on and start throwing stuff away you know you don’t need – start with the easy stuff to gain momentum.

If you regret your inconsistent exercise habits, establish your schedule so you go to bed at a decent time, that’s right, put your phone down, turn the TV off, wake up at an early hour and get some exercise before the morning is gone. It starts with the bedtime routine, establish that and surprise yourself with the new energy you have to gain momentum. 

I don’t mean to oversimplify regrets. These are just a few suggestions of how to use them to your advantage. You might as well, others take advantage of your regrets all the time. What can you start on today?

Ever wake up with a sore throat? I did, last Saturday. By Sunday evening pressure was growing in my head so bad I briefly thought "I'd rather be dead" than deal with this pressure and head cold. For a few moments I could feel no relief. I was sneezing like crazy, blowing my nose every two minutes and felt dizzy. At once, it seemed I got frustrated and anticipated a horrible sleeping night. It's actually been a while since I remember having a cold. In fact, I can't remember exactly the last time I did have a cold, but I know I did, I also know many times, when I get a nasty cold, it really takes me weeks to get over it completely. I mean, I sometimes have a lingering cough for over a month. So Sunday night I was anticipating a miserable night and a long recovery that could last through the end of the year. Ugh! Well, after my brief pity party with myself, I heard this voice in my head say, "Whatever! You've been lucky and it's been a while since you were last sick, you'll get past this," something to that effect. Immediately I started my strategy for optimum recovery. In all reality, I don't know exactly how helpful my strategies are, but focusing on the strategies sure kept me out of another pity party.

Perhaps there are aspects of my story you can relate to. If you have never thrown yourself a pity party before, then you are really missing out, I mean really, is there a better way to make yourself miserable or what? Sometimes people ask how they can be happier. Why not ask the opposite? How can I be more miserable? 

Step 1. Really focus on the problem. Chew on it, let it marinade your entire brain into total abysmal mush. You know, start a blog about how miserable you are. (Whatever you do don't focus on solutions!)
Step 2. Think about what you are missing out on because of the problem. It's an endless list right?
Step 3. Think of as many people as you can who should have the same problem but don't. Start with family, then friends and acquaintances, and then politicians and celebrities.
Step 4. Identify solutions to the problem that really don't help, like looking at porn, getting really drunk or wasted, watch TV and play video games for extended periods of time. These are all designed to establish a life of avoidance, 
Step 5. Blame other people. Even if others are responsible for the problem.
Step 6. (Optional) Pretend the problem doesn't exist. More avoidance makes others think you are laid back and flexible - good call. 

Alright, I know what you’re thinking, not everyone likes chocolate. I get it. This is not a comprehensive list and why focus on these easy steps to more misery? Well, sometimes it is helpful speaking to absurdity. It's known well among talented therapists and respected problem solvers that our attempted solutions to problems might be part of the problem. Also, I thought I would juxtapose the above list with one that might be more helpful to focus on. Compare the following list of helpful anecdotes to the one above: 
Step 1. Figure out where your focus needs to be to lead to more successful outcomes. When I was feeling sorry for myself I changed my focus to behaviors that might help. I then felt empowered! 

Step 2. Consider what skills you will be learning as you work through your challenge. Patience is a skill, learn it!
Step 3. Learn what others have done to overcome the problem or avoid it altogether. Sometimes avoidance is a skill, learn to use it in the right context!
Step 4. Do at least some of the tips, skills or behaviors that you learn from others. If you figure more discipline would help, understand it is a skill, develop it!
Step 5. Recognize and celebrate your efforts to change and even the small results you are making. Sharing is good, it helps solidify you progress. "I've gone three hours without checking Facebook! 

Step 6. Imagine yourself in the future looking back at this so called challenge or problem and realize how small it is and how much you have grown. Imagination opens the doors to possibilities! 
These steps are not intended to be comprehensive or new but they are designed to help remind and refocus on what you really want. Learn, Do and Celebrate!

Dr. Yapko observes that we seem to absorb our thoughts and feelings as if they are facts, as if our thoughts or feelings are actually true. Are they? Well, sometimes .. but are they helpful?

I recently read about a study from the 90’s where scientists scanned a monkeys brain while the monkey was picking up an object. They noted where the brain was lit up. Then they continued to scan the same monkey brain while that monkey watched another monkey pick up the same object. Guess what happened? The same spot on the brain lit up.

So, what does that imply? Well, for me it could mean we humans observe something and our brain lights up as if we are doing the same thing. So what is the effect of watching the nightly news, nightly? Or spending hours checking Facebook. I suppose it depends what the content is.

What are you absorbing?

                                            What are you focused on?

I happen to be a therapist. That means some people meet with me seeking to overcome feelings of depression or some other ailment. It’s my job to help them identify skills that will help them feel better. Among other things, one skill that most of us find helpful when feeling overwhelmed is the ability to change focus. It’s also helpful to challenge some negative thinking. I’m finding there are so many ways to challenge negative thinking, but one thing that seems helpful for me to remember is that it takes practice.

When I was much younger I used to play in the driveway for hours and practice hitting free throws for basketball. I would pretend that I was Larry Bird in the Finals with three seconds on the clock – down by one against the Lakers. Over and over again I would play the scenario in my head until I got better and more confident. I eventually got the chance to test my free throw skills in the city league I played in. They had a free throw competition and I won.

Now I am learning to play golf. I recently went to a driving range before playing with some friends. I practiced hitting with different clubs. I got pretty good with my driver, I was having a blast hitting that little ball all the way to the fence at the driving range. Well, when it came time to play for real, I nailed my first tee shot, but it was a little off the fairway where it landed and when I attempted to get that ball on the green I totally miffed it. This was a pattern throughout the round I played. I was a little frustrated about my results and then I remembered a pattern from the driving range. As I was practicing with a certain club, I would feel more confident over time with it and move on to a different club and it usually took me a number of shots before I got the hang of hitting with that club. Well, on the real course I only had one opportunity to hit a ball and half the time I miffed it. Too bad I can’t practice shots on the course over and over again!

Thinking more about opportunities than dead ends takes practice. Just like my free throws when I was young or my golf swing now. Now, for the follow-through . . .

With life's challenges we seem to get plenty of opportunities to learn from mistakes or setbacks. If we can get in a mindset that these setbacks don't have to be permanent then we can use them to our advantage. Making a commitment to stay focused on what is healthy or helpful or useful allows us to utilize failures and not feel overwhelmed or discouraged by them. Think about a skill you have learned and maybe even felt really good about. How did you stay focused and talk yourself into overcoming the challenge to learn? Can you take what you learned then and apply it to challenges you face now?