The other day I went for a run. I don’t run very much, but when I do, I run slowly. And not very far, but it  feels great. On this particular occasion last week, I took my daughter in a stroller and my dog, Ginger, a Golden Retriever/Lab mix. She gets so excited when I ask, “you wanna go on a walk?” or if she catches me putting my running shoes on she gets so excited. It’s a delight to take her because she is so excited. That particular evening I decided to run along the river in the canyon by my home. It was beautiful and the temperature was perfect for us. After about a mile I was feeling good because most of my run had been downhill, that was changing and I noticed Ginger was starting to lag behind. It was actually a busy night on the trail. There were many people on bikes. Ginger was slowing down, mostly because she was anxious. She kept looking behind us and looking at other people. Sometimes they would pass us. If I was able to get her attention, Ginger would look at me, appear relieved and catch up with us without a problem. If Ginger would stay focused on me and look forward she could easily keep up.

great accomplishment, Ginger is fast, really fast, but she can be really anxious, and her anxiety really slowed her down, in fact, if I don’t have her on a leash she sometimes will walk right into the path of a bicyclist because she is so focused on them. 

That night it occurred to me how we are sometimes like my dog Ginger, our intentions start off in the right direction but we can get distracted by our fears and anxieties. Do you ever catch yourself obsessed with what might go wrong? It’s practical to anticipate roadblocks or speed bumps that lay in our future, but to be consumed by “What could go wrong” will paralyze you or at least keep you from washing your car . . . I once heard my brother in-law explain why he never washes his car, because he doesn’t like the rain or snow. He has noticed that anytime he washes his car, there seems to be a storm the next day. In his case the “inevitable” fact that it will rain or snow after he washes the car stops him. Are you aware of how fears or anxieties paralyze you? Someone once told me going to a motivational speaker was a waste because the positive effect wears off eventually. Really?! The breakfast you ate this morning won’t last all month, it won’t provide you with the energy you need for the rest of the day for most people. So go ahead and eat again. I don’t stop eating out of frustration with the fact that I will just get hungry again. That’s why it’s good to recharge yourself in different ways, and not just with food. So wash your car knowing that eventually it’s going to get dirty again (hopefully it lasts a few days). Read that book you bought to help improve yourself, and remember that it won’t be the last thing you use in this way. My last blog post was about utilizing regret, I don’t recommend focusing on regret, use it just enough to help you keep moving forward. It’s perfectly helpful to be aware of traps and obstacles, just don’t make them your focus.

So what are some ways to manage anxiety to focus on where you are running?
Let me suggest a few things.                                                                     
1. Practice one of the oldest skills in the book, re-frame your language. Remind yourself to do something, instead of “I hope I don’t forget . . .” Really good teachers use this. For example I observed a savvy teacher purposely master using positive language to guide her students. “Remember to take your assignments home and bring them back on Monday.” Instead of “Don’t forget your homework!” The better you get at this one, the better you become.
2. Master the “Yet” perspective. Frame failures as temporary. “I can’t pay off my debts, yet.” Let that word help you move forward.
3. Paint a small picture in your mind. If you need to clean the entire house but feel overwhelmed, picture yourself dusting the bookcase, not the whole house, yet.
4. Play music, if you need motivation and more energy, play something faster and a bit louder than normal. Need to calm down? Play something peaceful in the background.
5. Chew gum. Seriously,you know it helps. For scientific evidence go here or here.

Dr. Yapko observes that we seem to absorb our thoughts and feelings as if they are facts, as if our thoughts or feelings are actually true. Are they? Well, sometimes .. but are they helpful?

I recently read about a study from the 90’s where scientists scanned a monkeys brain while the monkey was picking up an object. They noted where the brain was lit up. Then they continued to scan the same monkey brain while that monkey watched another monkey pick up the same object. Guess what happened? The same spot on the brain lit up.

So, what does that imply? Well, for me it could mean we humans observe something and our brain lights up as if we are doing the same thing. So what is the effect of watching the nightly news, nightly? Or spending hours checking Facebook. I suppose it depends what the content is.

What are you absorbing?

                                            What are you focused on?

I happen to be a therapist. That means some people meet with me seeking to overcome feelings of depression or some other ailment. It’s my job to help them identify skills that will help them feel better. Among other things, one skill that most of us find helpful when feeling overwhelmed is the ability to change focus. It’s also helpful to challenge some negative thinking. I’m finding there are so many ways to challenge negative thinking, but one thing that seems helpful for me to remember is that it takes practice.

When I was much younger I used to play in the driveway for hours and practice hitting free throws for basketball. I would pretend that I was Larry Bird in the Finals with three seconds on the clock – down by one against the Lakers. Over and over again I would play the scenario in my head until I got better and more confident. I eventually got the chance to test my free throw skills in the city league I played in. They had a free throw competition and I won.

Now I am learning to play golf. I recently went to a driving range before playing with some friends. I practiced hitting with different clubs. I got pretty good with my driver, I was having a blast hitting that little ball all the way to the fence at the driving range. Well, when it came time to play for real, I nailed my first tee shot, but it was a little off the fairway where it landed and when I attempted to get that ball on the green I totally miffed it. This was a pattern throughout the round I played. I was a little frustrated about my results and then I remembered a pattern from the driving range. As I was practicing with a certain club, I would feel more confident over time with it and move on to a different club and it usually took me a number of shots before I got the hang of hitting with that club. Well, on the real course I only had one opportunity to hit a ball and half the time I miffed it. Too bad I can’t practice shots on the course over and over again!

Thinking more about opportunities than dead ends takes practice. Just like my free throws when I was young or my golf swing now. Now, for the follow-through . . .

With life's challenges we seem to get plenty of opportunities to learn from mistakes or setbacks. If we can get in a mindset that these setbacks don't have to be permanent then we can use them to our advantage. Making a commitment to stay focused on what is healthy or helpful or useful allows us to utilize failures and not feel overwhelmed or discouraged by them. Think about a skill you have learned and maybe even felt really good about. How did you stay focused and talk yourself into overcoming the challenge to learn? Can you take what you learned then and apply it to challenges you face now?