Divorce Adjustment

A little less than half of all marriages end in divorce. So, chances are, you know someone who has gone through it.

Divorce sucks, but here you are.

The whole experience of divorce is murky. You’re not sure how you got here.

This isn’t what you planned. You knew the marriage had struggles, but a commitment was made and that seems to be gone.

For many, marriage is such a huge part of their identity. You share friends, and now your kids’ friends’ parents don’t even know how to interact with you.

Your sense of purpose and ability to trust others may even be shattered.

Some people even question their faith because of it. In reality, especially when a betrayal has occurred, the symptoms mirror those who have had significant trauma. Higher anxiety, panic attacks, hyper-vigilance, lack of sleep, lack of motivation.

Divorce is one of the worst-case scenarios ever. Some feel it is worse than experiencing a death, because a divorce can feel like the ultimate rejection. You’ve built your whole life around the spouse and your family, and it feels like your worst fears of not being good enough are totally coming true.

Not the kind of validation you were looking for…

Finding healing after divorce…

Some people, by the time the divorce has been finalized, are relieved on some level. The finality takes away the ambiguity or unknowns.

The hope is gone for repairing the marriage; and now energy is available to redefine, retool, and reboot. At some point, the resolution of the dissolution hits you. This is a critical time to sort out again what is most important to you.

It’s not a race to get remarried or to show everyone how healthy and happy you are. Some people fall into that temptation and even that trap of trying to fix themselves by getting married as soon as possible.

Some even lose impulse control and end up getting hurt emotionally and sexually. It happens way too often.

There is no perfect course or timeframe to date and remarry. The focus that benefits you the most is on your own healing and sense of purpose.

Perhaps you’re not there yet…

Maybe you are still holding out a miracle will happen, and reconciliation will happen. I hope so, too.

I’ve seen this more often when the spouse is an addict. It’s not just the relapsing but the lying and cover ups. It’s hard not to take it personal but you still love him. You want to protect your kids from pain, too.

“He seems to know just what to say.”

I never tell people to get divorced. It’s not my call. I’m not the one who lives with the consequences either way.

I have a good idea of what to look for when reconciliation is an option. Patterns and roles need to change, and the question always comes up, “What’s different this time?” It’s a good question to explore with someone who isn’t terribly biased. If you think there is hope and want to work on the relationship, we can do that.

Remarriage happens, too…

The average number of years for people to remarry is two to three years. You might want to get yourself in a healthy place before that opportunity comes back.

The research shows that second marriages have less of a chance of thriving and surviving than the first marriages. You don’t have to be part of that statistic.

I previously mentioned that many people rush to heal themselves by getting married too quickly. Often, there are families to blend. Priorities need to shift.

Even if everyone agrees that your divorce was not your fault, exploring your self-worth and where your value truly comes from is a valuable exercise and may help prevent you from running blindly into a bad relationship.

With a little work and maybe a few tears…

I believe you can be better than ever.

But we’ve got to make sure we help you know what is true about you – where your true worth comes from. What your rational mind tells you is that you have great worth. What your emotional or subconscious mind tells you and makes you feel is that you’re not good enough.

Imagine having the ability to convince that powerful part of your mind – the one that really controls your background thoughts and establishes habits and filters the good and bad – imagine that part of your mind deeply believing that you are enough, that your value is priceless just like everyone else’s.

Just think how that would change a lot of your subtle, yet powerful decisions…

…like what to eat, looking up instead of down, knowing you can handle pain instead of running away or avoiding it or trying to compensate in unhealthy ways. I’m talking about personal freedom. It feels lighter, freer, liberating. You experience confidence.

One way to do this is identify the physical feeling that sets you back. The ball of anxiety in your gut or the tension headache. Believe it or not, identifying the earliest time you remember feeling that sensation will give us a clue to help resolve that pain. It most likely comes from before your marriage even started.

It could be that 7-year-old girl who was indirectly bullied by a girl at school or church. That part of you needs to know she is valuable and will be okay and safe to move on. This type of intervention has the potential to liberate the adult that is now experiencing loss, disappointment, heartache, and pain.

Not everyone is the same. The path in your life and healing takes its own course.

Healing is possible.

We can make it likely. You and I can make healing inevitable.

I don’t know you, but I want to help. I’m not sure why some people understand what it takes to get the help they need, and others don’t; but you’re curious enough to be reading this. If it feels right on some level, let’s make an appointment happen and get the ball rollin’.

Call me today: (801) 472-8442.